http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=1054&mname=ArticleGroup He Said, She Said en-us 60 Dear Greg & Allison, There’s this guy my mom has been dating. She really likes him, but I don’t. There’s just something about him that leaves me with an uneasy feeling. He recently proposed to her, and now they’re getting married. Do I say something to her, or do I just bite my tongue and go with it? Rich, 19 Greg says: Seeing your mother with someone other than your father is not always the easiest thing to handle. Whether it’s consciously or unconsciously, you may find yourself harboring feelings of resentment or betrayal towards her simply because you don’t feel comfortable around him. Regardless of what you believe is causing the uneasy feelings towards her fiancé, I believe you still owe it to her to tell her how you truly feel. What’s important here is picking the right time to tell her, as well as choosing the perfect words. You obviously shouldn’t walk up to her out of the blue and say, “Hey, your boyfriend is a loser!” Talk to her in a calm and rational manner at a time when nothing is stressing her out. Tell her that he makes you feel uncomfortable, but be prepared to answer when she asks why. Let her know that it’s because you love her that you feel compelled to voice your concerns. You’ve known your mother for 19 years, and at this point, you should have a general idea of how she’s going to respond to your concern. No matter how you approach it, she’s going to be filled with a vast array of emotions when she finds out how you feel. She may even get mad at you. Even with that possibility, I’ve always been a firm believer that being honest with a person – especially one you care about – is always the best choice. It’s not always the easiest one, but undoubtedly the best in the long run. So in answer to your question, I believe the best course of action is to do a little of both. Say something to her, but then go with the flow. What I mean is that regardless of what you say to her, the decision, as well as her future, is ultimately in her own hands, at the mercy of her own free will. In times like these, sometimes the best thing to do is be honest and upfront with the person, while reminding them at the same time that you’ll still support them no matter what. Allison Says: I think it’s really common for a guy (or a girl) to dislike the new man in their mother’s life. And if the reason has anything to do with the “she’ll love him more than me!” feeling, than stop crying and get over it! Your mother is entitled to her happiness too. That being said, you need to look at why you don’t like this guy. Make a mental list- is it a non-favorable vibe he is giving off, what are his personality flaws? Or is it something worse- does he mistreat your mother in some way? If so, you do need to put in your two cents before she’s legally bound to him. The trick is how you bring it up to her. My mother is currently extremely happy with her new man and engaged as well. I’ve never seen her happier. But I felt that she was giving up some of her ways and lifestyle choices to make him more comfortable, and he wasn’t returning the favor. This bothered me a little, so I casually would say something like “You know how you are doing this now, how come Mark isn’t doing this?” And she would respond, “Yea, we’ve talked about that a lot…” and so on. So I became more comfortable with the idea, and now I’m just really happy that she’s happy and I have put any of my uncertain feelings aside. I figure why should I judge something that I’m not living when I can clearly see it has a definite positive effect on her life? But if it is some kind of emotional or physical abuse you are witnessing, then you need to bring it up at the right time. Take her out to dinner, spoil her a little bit. Show her how a gentleman would treat her. Later into the evening ask her something like “How do you feel when Roger does this?” Tell her it would break your heart to see her end up in a situation that would make her ultimately unhappy. After you have shared your concern and shown how much you care for your mother’s happiness, all you can do is wait and see what happens. As you probably know, love is a very hard thing to let go of and most likely she will go ahead with this marriage. If that’s the case, all you can do is try to befriend this man or at least keep up a civil relationship. This will not only make things easier on your whole family, but it will also make your mother so much happier. And that’s all you really want, isn’t it? Want to send Greg & Allison a question? Send your question, along with your first name and age to: HeSaidSheSaidUWM@gmail.com Sun, 04 May 2008 23:19:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17876&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17876&mname=Article Dear Greg & Allison, My roommate drinks A LOT. I do drink, and I know it's normal for college students to drink more than the average, but I think she has a real problem. The other night she stayed up until 7 a.m. drinking by herself and skipped all her classes the next day. She seems to also have emotional problems that come from the drinking. She is my good friend and I do care about her, so do I say something to her, and if I am supposed to bring it up, what do I say? Ashley, 21 Greg says: First off, Ashley, let me commend you for recognizing your friend’s dangerous behavior and wanting to help. While it is common for people these days (especially college kids) to drink, your friend is taking it way above and beyond what it should be. Not only can her drinking negatively impact herself, but also put an emotional strain on her friends, family, and anyone else that cares about her. You say that she has emotional problems that come from her drinking. While I’m sure she does, I believe that her drinking is a RESULT of emotional problems. More than likely, there may be some kind of issue that’s lingering from an earlier time in her life. Many people resort to drinking in an attempt to run away from their problems. I can tell you without a doubt that the longer an issue goes on without rectification, the worse the problem, as well as the drinking, may become. Yes, you do need to talk to her. I would recommend sitting her down saying that her behavior in regards to alcohol is starting to concern you. Give her specific examples. The key is to try to pinpoint the source of the emotional issue that may be making her turn to alcohol. Tell her that missing classes because she was drinking all night could end up severely hurting her academically in the long run. You may even consider talking to a sibling of hers (or another family member) to see if they may be able to help. Above all, you need to reassure her that she’s not alone, and that you’ll be there for her every step of the way. Also, she needs to know that just because you’re pointing it out doesn’t mean you’re judging her for it or looking down on her in any way. Maybe you might suggest to her that she attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or make an appointment to see a psychologist to aid her in dealing with any issues she’s holding inside. Sometimes something as simple as a reminder that you’re not alone can be enough to make a person want to change. You have to always remember that every single one of us deals with problems differently. There are some that are very forthcoming with their feelings, and others that keep their emotions well hidden. When hiding emotions that need to be released, many people turn to destructive behavior such as drugs or excessive drinking to dull the pain. At the same time, some may wonder if doing so may be their subconscious mind screaming out for help. No matter what the case is, your friend needs your help. She may not be ready to admit that she even needs help, but she does. If you make an effort to get her off of this nasty path she’s on, you may just end up saving her life. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover things about yourself along the way. Allison says: Drinking is a very touchy topic, and a very tough one to approach. A lot of times when you casually try to bring it up they brush it off like it’s a joke or give you some line like “Heck yea I’m an alcoholic! Party!” So really you’re right back where you started. Then there’s the serious approach that generally ticks them off. Sometimes it’s because they secretly know that they are drinking too much, but I think usually it’s because they can’t believe you are seeing them as someone with a “problem”. And don’t even think about bringing up the word rehab- just ask Amy Winehouse. She wrote a song about how much that pissed her off. Something like that would not be your place to bring up. Next time you see your roommate drunk and in an emotional state, try subtly mentioning to her the next day that alcohol is actually a depressant that stays with you even when you are not drinking, and it intensifies your emotional feelings. Chances are she knows that, but some people don’t realize how deeply it can affect their daily life. Otherwise, try suggesting other fun activities that don’t involve drinking. Maybe a movie night, or go do something active. If you have enough of these nights sans alcohol, maybe she will come around and realize she actually enjoys being sober. Unfortunately, sometimes there really is nothing you can do other than sit back and let her learn from her mistakes. The best thing to do is just let her know that you are there for her no matter what. Want to send Greg & Allison a question? Send your question, along with your first name and age to: HeSaidSheSaidUWM@gmail.com Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:54:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17820&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17820&mname=Article Dear Greg & Allison, My sister is dating a guy that’s of a different race. I’m not a racist, but I’m having a difficult time accepting it. Because it’s bothering me, I often wonder if maybe I do have race issues subconsciously. What do you think, and how do I get over this? Amy, 23 Greg says: No, Amy, I don’t think you’re racist. It seems to me that all you’re guilty of is having a certain ideal image of a man for your sister. That’s completely normal. Even with the growing presence of biracial couples in today’s world, society still tells us that dating within your own race is more appropriate. Along with appearance, oftentimes the cultural differences that will be ever so present can be overwhelming, and I believe the later of the two is truly what’s bothering you. Coming from someone that’s Greek Orthodox, I can attest to how important the cultural aspect can be. With all of our customs and traditions, I can see how it may make an outsider a bit uncomfortable. However, when love is involved, nothing else seems to matter. My question to you is how does he treat her? Does she get the respect and honor that every woman deserves? If so, you should focus on those positive qualities rather than letting his race bother you. When I envision a relationship in which the two individuals have different backgrounds, Romeo and Juliet comes to mind. If they only had a chance to be together without any input from their families, well, we probably would’ve had two less suicides. So in response to your question about how to get over this, I can’t honestly give you a straight-forward answer because I don’t know how you personally deal with issues. But what I can tell you is that your sister needs your love and support. Whether you agree with her choice or not is irrelevant. It’s her life, and ultimately her decision. She’s probably well aware of any uneasiness others may have with the situation, and having the undying support of her sister might be what she really needs. Allison says: The fact that you are concerned about your uneasy feelings towards the situation is a big step in itself. You need to confront your feelings and ask yourself why you feel so uncomfortable. A lot of it may have to do with change. Society has a way of making change seem like a bad thing. The way I look at it, I think it is something we always need, especially when it has to do with some very narrow-minded ideologies. Speaking of change, it is very possible that the next president of this country will be of a minority race, and in the end does the color of his skin matter at all? Absolutely not, because when it comes down to it, it is what this person can do for our country that matters. Nothing else. Try applying this thought to your sister and her new boyfriend. Think about what he is doing for your sister and her happiness, because that is all that matters. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling this way either, because chances are it’s not your fault you subconsciously feel this way- it’s what our culture has presented to you. And it’s not like you’re some kind of bigot who openly acts on these feelings. I know someone whose parents have made the decision to “disown” his sister because she chose to marry a black man, and they refuse to get to know their own grandchildren. It is our job to disown a world that this kind of behavior goes on in. Start by spending time with your sister and her new boyfriend. Eventually you will forget about his race altogether and get to know him. You will probably find that this alone will open your mind about the situation a lot. The only thing that can come from not accepting these things is pain- just look at the parents who didn’t even give their daughter’s husband a chance. People need to be looked at individually and not grouped into categories. Open your mind; try to realize when you are buying into stereotypes that you yourself have not even decided on. If you can find a way to do this, I think you will not only become comfortable with your sister and her boyfriend, but you will eventually not see it as a “situation” at all. Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:54:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17795&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17795&mname=Article March 24, 2008 Dear Greg & Allison, I’m in a bit of a situation that I don’t know how to handle. I’ve had the same group of friends for pretty much ever, but lately, I’ve constantly been the butt of their jokes. They’re nothing real big I suppose, but it’s starting to hurt my feelings. I know I have to talk to them about it, but how do I do that without making them hate me or think that I’m less macho? Matt, 18 Greg says: Matt, let me start out by saying that it is never ok to be on the receiving end of jokes that make you feel uncomfortable. Something that may lower your confidence or make you feel bad about yourself is completely unnecessary and should never be tolerated – especially from a friend. These friends of yours need to understand that making someone feel bad is not funny. You’re right; you do need to talk to them. I would recommend talking to them in a calm atmosphere, and tell them exactly what you wrote to us. You don’t have to say anything glamorous, just reference an incident where something they said made you feel bad. Who knows, maybe they aren’t even aware that remarks they said affected you in that manner. Personally, I have a particular friend that I argue with (sarcastically) all the time. Now she and I let each other have it sometimes, but both of us know that we’re not serious about it. Of course, if I said something to this friend that hurt her feelings, I would want to know so I could apologize. Given that you have been friends with these people for a while as you said, this is more than likely the case. However, people change, and you may have to be prepared to make a tough decision if you find them unremorseful. If they are intentionally doing this, I would start looking for a new group of friends. I really don’t believe that will happen, but you still nonetheless have to prepare yourself just in case. Also, it’s important to realize that speaking up when something bothers you actually makes you more “macho.” Remember, being strong and tough on the outside is drawn from inner strength – the kind of strength that allows you to recognize and respond to something that just isn’t right. Allison says: If I know guys, almost every group of friends has a friend in your position. It’s just what they do! But they’re in that position usually because they are the easiest one to make fun of and get away with it. The key phrase is that they get away with it. But let’s get real; you can’t just sit your friends down and talk to them. Maybe that was your 7th grade guidance counselor’s advice, or the “right thing to do”, but would it work? I mean really, wouldn’t they only make fun of you more? You have to be clever about this, and my advice is to get some of your own jokes to use on them. If you don’t fight back (and I’m not condoning violence here) of course they’re going to have some fun with you! Sometimes the best way to shut them up is to have a better comeback. If they hit you where it hurts, return the favor! Just make sure it’s not too low of a blow because you still want to keep your dignity intact. You are friends and if they mean it jokingly, they can’t get mad at you for doing the same thing. And if they do, then at least they know how it feels. Males really are a mystery to me sometimes, and I’m sorry you are hurt by the comments your friends make. I think the one thing you can’t do is just sit there and take it, because who wants to spend their days feeling bad about themselves because of the people you are supposed to be having fun with? Want to send Greg & Allison a question? Send your question, along with your first name and age to: HeSaidSheSaidUWM@gmail.com Mon, 24 Mar 2008 21:53:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17774&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17774&mname=Article Dear Greg & Allison, I find myself in a tough situation. My family cannot stand the guy I’m dating. The problem is that I have very strong feelings for him. If I ended up breaking up with him over this, I’m pretty sure I’d always wonder what could’ve happened with it, and where the relationship would’ve gone. But at the same time, I believe that if I keep seeing him, I’d form a rift between my family and myself. What do I do? Carolyn, 20 Greg says: Yes, Carolyn, that definitely is a difficult situation to be in. It seems as though the hardest decisions we have to make in our lives are those that both offer outcomes we don’t like. In order to pick the best course of action, you need to find out why your family doesn’t like your boyfriend. There has to be reason. I’ve found that listening to the opinions of a family member can be a very wise move to make. Sometimes, a person that knows you well outside of the relationship can be more perceptive to a seriously negative quality – one that infatuation may inhibit you from seeing. That’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with him or that he’s a bad person. It’s just that your family must see some quality in him that they fear could end up hurting you in the future. On the other hand, you can’t live your life letting others make decisions for you. So now it truly comes down to you. It’s time for you to pick sides, and I don’t mean your family over your boyfriend or vice versa. I mean that it’s time for you to listen to your heart and let it guide you down the correct path. It won’t tell you which side you should be on, but rather where you belong. You need to do what feels right, knowing that at the end of the day, the only person that it affects is yourself. So who do you please, your boyfriend or your family? The answer is neither. You need only to take yourself into consideration, and everything else will fall into place the way it was meant to. I know it’s easier said than done, but you simply cannot make a decision based on fear of regretting it in the future. Allison says: Come on, haven’t you ever heard of Romeo and Juliet? Greatest love story of all time! Except oh yea, they ended up killing themselves together. That and their families weren’t exactly civil. OK, so let’s break it down. First of all, why does your family dislike this guy? There could be tons of reasons they don’t like your knew beau; maybe he’s a know-it-all, seems secluded, no manners to speak of. Or could it be something more serious? If that’s the case, you have to ask yourself why it bothers them and not you. Are you maybe settling for a guy who is clearly not right for you? Sometimes outsiders have a much clearer view than you, even though the last thing you want to do is listen to them. So let’s look at that. The reason you don’t like the way your family feels is because like you said, your feelings are “very strong”. Obviously, this clouds your judgment. But maybe it’s not as clouded as they think. Well, here’s what you should do. Talk to each one of them separately and ask them what about your boyfriend triggers their obvious dislike. If it is in fact something small, say he’s too hyperactive, don’t give up hope. Bring your boyfriend around again, and this time, find a way to point out the great things about him to your family. Let them converse, not just exist in the same room at the same time. If that still does not work, I wouldn’t suggest jumping to the conclusion that you MUST dump him. If your feelings are as strong as you say, they will last, and eventually, your parents will ease into the idea of you dating him. Want to send Greg & Allison a question? Send your question, along with your first name and age to: HeSaidSheSaidUWM@gmail.com Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:29:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17721&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17721&mname=Article I'm having problems with my roommate. She's loud, inconsiderate, and has people over all hours of the day and night. One time, she even had some guy spend the night with her while I was in the room! I've never been in such an uncomfortable situation like this before, and just don't know how to handle it. What do I do? Melissa, 18 Greg says: This is definitely a cause for concern. Not only is it inconvenient dealing with roommates who have no consideration, but it’s extremely stressful and detrimental to you. I’m sure you have enough going on with school and life, and the added stress that this must be causing you isn’t helping. The first thing I recommend doing is talking to your roommate. Let her know what bothers you. Tell her that you’re not going to tolerate her having guys spend the night while you’re in the room. There’s a chance she may be receptive to you. If she’s not, go immediately to your Resident Assistant (RA), assuming of course that this is a dorm or university housing. The RA should be able to help resolve any issues. Refer to your resident contract to see what specifically is and isn’t allowed. Regardless of the specifics in the contract, there’s no way the university would allow her to bring a guy into the dorm overnight, especially if there’s a roommate. In the event that the RA isn’t able to mediate the problem, contact the roommate coordinator and pursue a roommate change. Whichever route you choose to take, please do it soon. A situation like this could very easily hurt you academically. Your education is simply too important. It’s essential to realize that issues like this are unavoidable in life. Even though dealing with them may be uncomfortable at times, it’s crucial experience that will carry you far. As you confront her, don’t be afraid to raise your voice. In speaking up, you’ll soon find that your wisdom and maturity will grow. Allison says: I’m afraid that the roommate situation has caused problems for most ever since dorms were created. Everyone has different boundaries and limits. Some people think it’s perfectly fine to have sleepovers while their roommates are there- as long as nothing inappropriate happens. Some may not even care about that. Who knows! Others feel completely uncomfortable with it. If that’s you, you might try suggesting she sleep in his room next time. As far as having people over all hours of the day and night- completely unacceptable. It’s your room too, and a people can go crazy if they don’t have the space they need. I had a friend who went through something very similar. Her roommate’s friends even came over to hang out when she wasn’t there! Yet her roommate’s mindset was that it was her room too, so she could do whatever she wanted. Sometimes I think it is the hardest thing for a person to realize when they are being completely selfish, even if it is completely obvious to an outsider. VERY frustrating. You didn’t say if you’ve talked with your roommate about your issues, but I think that’s the obvious first step. Even if you don’t like confrontation, this is the kind of thing that you will keep bottled up until one day it just explodes. And you don’t want that. Explain to her that the stress of trying to share an already miniscule dorm room with others all the time is getting to you, and you’d really appreciate it if she could go elsewhere when she wants to be social. If talking doesn’t work- and a lot of times it doesn’t- you need to go to your RA and talk about a room switch, because trust me, you can’t keep dealing with this. Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:01:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17695&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17695&mname=Article What is your best advice for working on group projects? What would you say to someone who is worried about getting a good grade and preserving their GPA, but their team members either don't do their share of the work or try to control every aspect of the project? Katie, 20 Greg says: Group projects seem to be unavoidable throughout school. As difficult as it may be to work together for a grade, it gives you great experience working on a team. It’s that experience that you can draw from when you’re in the working world after college. When working together, it’s important that you all discuss what your objective is and how you will meet it. Analyze what needs to be done, any time restraints, and then plan accordingly. You may even want to consider assigning tasks based on each individual’s abilities. For example, assign any writing jobs to the one who is the strongest writer or the construction of the display board to the more artistic person, etc. Working together successfully is all about playing off of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Now, the amount of responsibility each team member dedicates is a completely different story. Dealing with group members who aren’t very driven is never a pleasant task. As uncomfortable as it may be, you need to sit down with your group members and express your concerns in a polite manner. If a certain individual isn’t performing his or her task up to par, perhaps consider changing it or switching it with another group member. You have to remember that it’s never okay for anyone to slack off when other people’s grades are on the table. The same thing applies to someone trying to control the group. They need to understand that everyone is an equal part of it. Should you find yourself in one of these situations, the first thing you need to do is communicate with the other members. If you cannot come up with a resolution to the problem, talk to a TA or the professor. If one of the group members isn’t doing much work, the professor should know about it. On the other hand, if you have a controlling team member who is causing problems, it’s important to fix it as soon as possible. By not doing so, you risk turning in a final product that could’ve been better if there wasn’t any group tension. As tough as these situations may be, I’m confident that with the proper communication, the problem can be rectified. Allison says: Group projects can be so frustrating, can’t they? Either people are too lazy to figure out what needs to get done, or people want control of the whole project because they assume their way is best. Of course they don’t admit that, and you aren’t about to bring it up. The best thing I can tell you in this situation is to up the communication on your end to an extreme. Bug the crap out of that person until they give in! If they’re always doing it on their own, MAKE them listen to your ideas. If they never seem to volunteer, keep asking them when they’re going to get their part of the assignment done. If you think that sounds too rude, it’s not. What’s rude is bringing down your grade! It’s a lot easier for them to get away with these things when you aren’t doing anything about it. Even though they’re frustrating, group projects are important because you will most likely be working with people for the rest of your life. And yes, even those who aren’t exactly easy to work with. Sun, 02 Dec 2007 13:22:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17680&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17680&mname=Article Once you are in college, do you owe it to your parents to give them an update, or tell them where you are going or headed during your free time? Kristin, 20 Greg says: While it depends on the relationship you have with your parents, I think you should keep them in the loop (within reason of course). These are the people who gave you life, raised you, fed you, and dealt with any problems that arose. While you need not call and let them know you’re downtown partying or at some club, I think it’s fair to tell them how school is going and what’s going on in your life. They deserve at least that. Something else you should think about is the life experience our parents have. This is one thing I find myself – as well as many other young adults these days – looking past. Sometimes simply talking to your mom or dad about even the smallest aspect of your life could spark a useful suggestion from them that you could benefit from. As hard as it is to believe sometimes, our parents were in our shoes before. Allison says: No, you don't owe it to your parents to tell them every single thing you are doing when you leave your house. And frankly, it seems that it would be rather tiring for them to keep up with you on that level. Leaving home and going to school is a lot about learning how to live your life and make your own decisions. You learn through your mistakes, not by always listening to what your parents think you should do. It is hard for a lot of parents to deal with, and it is natural for them to ask questions. But they will have to learn to give you your space at some point, and if you explain this to them, they will hopefully begin to slowly accept it. Personally, I’m very close to my mom. She knows most of the things going on in my life. She’s one of the first to know when I have big news or when something exciting happens to me. I also know that not everyone shares that closeness with a parent. Regardless of the relationship you have with one or both of your parents, the best piece of advice I can give you is to communicate. Even if they drive you crazy, you’re always going to be their little girl Sun, 25 Nov 2007 17:58:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17670&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17670&mname=Article When do you start taking it to the "next level" in a relationship during college: after you've been dating over a year or two and maybe you have lived together even? Is it a bad decision to think about engagement or marriage before finishing your undergrad? Kristin, 20 Greg says: Taking things to the next level in a relationship should not be taken lightly. It’s a big step. You need to analyze where you two are and where you see yourselves going. Also, you have to be aware that taking a relationship to the next level can sometimes change things. Make sure you’re emotionally prepared to accept whatever may come your way, good or bad. As convenient as it would be, there simply isn’t a set list of signs to look for to tell you when the time is right. You just need to approach the issue with common sense, and do whatever feels right. As far as engagement and marriage are concerned, the only thing that should be on your mind during college is performing as best as you can in your classes, period. Getting through college in one piece is hard enough on its own. The bottom line is that you’re twenty years old and have absolutely no idea where life will take you. There’s no reason to rush. I feel that it’s best to complete your education and get established in your career before you even consider marriage. Regardless of any road blocks on your path through life, your education is something that you’ll always have to fall back on, and that’s something that needs your full and complete attention. Allison says: Just because an engagement is the next step in a relationship doesn't mean you need to take it. I get it: you're in love, found out you can live with your boyfriend well, whatever. But you are 20 years old! People and situations tend to change dramatically at this age, and marriage is a pretty final decision. If you are happy with your relationship, I'd think you should be able to continue it the way it is for awhile before making such big decisions. Divorce rates are just so high these days, especially among couples that get married at a very young age. And who wants to become part of the statistics because of a quick leap into the final level of a relationship? I’m not saying that would necessarily happen to you, but it’s definitely not uncommon. Maybe you don't want to wait, and if you truly feel that that is the right way to go, nobody's going to change your mind. But if you find yourself questioning it, don’t forget to also ask yourself if there’s really anything wrong with just waiting. Sun, 18 Nov 2007 14:58:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17645&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17645&mname=Article Dear Greg & Allison, Should I take advice from someone less intelligent than me about my own life? Craig, 20 Greg says: Well Craig, I’ll be completely honest with you, your question concerns me. It seems as though you’re labeling people based on intelligence and accepting advice from them accordingly. It’s sort of like the old cliché, judging a book by its cover. I’ve noticed that sometimes the most profound statements or ideas can come from those considered mediocre to others. In other words, everyone is much than the eye can see. Intelligence is so much more than knowing the quadratic formula or the chemical reaction between nitric acid and sodium phosphate. I believe true intelligence is not necessarily found in knowing the material, but understanding and appreciating its significance. After all, isn’t life about the application of what you’ve learned? In the end, this really comes down to you. I’ve told you how I look at intelligence, but how do you? I think the best piece of advice I can give you at this point is that you need to consider everyone’s thoughts. You need to listen to everyone’s opinion, sift through them, and make a decision that works best for you in the given situation. But by not being open to someone’s suggestion simply because you don’t think they’re as smart as you are, you could’ve potentially passed up some great advice. Always remember that intelligence doesn’t define a person’s wisdom. Allison says: Gosh Craig, I'm afraid I might not be intelligent enough to tell you what I think, but I'll try anyway.Your question sounds a bit arrogant and you are overlooking one very importantfactor: advice doesn't always relate to a person's IQ. Some of the best adviceyou could ever get could come from a bum who digs through your trash cans everymorning. Obviously, they have made some life decisions that led them somewherethat nobody wants to go. One of the best ways to learn about life is throughmistakes, and the very fact that someone has made more mistakes in their lifecould make them the best advice givers.It is not ridiculous to think that anyone else could help you through a dilemmaor situation in your life. Have you ever tried it? Listening to advice doesn'tmean you have to take it, but it does help to get different people's input. I'mguessing you've made a wrong decision in your life, thinking it was the rightone. Other people can really help you get through difficult times, but if youwant to isolate yourself and only rely on you, then go for it. I just wouldn'tadvise it.Allison Want to send Greg & Allison a question? Send your question, along with your name and age to: HeSaidSheSaidUWM@gmail.com Sun, 11 Nov 2007 23:23:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17633&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17633&mname=Article Dear Allison and Greg, Maybe you can help me out. I have this girlfriend who is really amazing, but she is mad that in the summer I hung out with my ex-girlfriend a lot, and she gets mad when she calls me. Everything is great about our relationship, but this. I don't want my ex-girlfriend to not be a part of my life, because I care about her as a friend. I don't have feelings for her, but I do care about her. I want my girlfriend to understand this. What do I do? Matt, 21 Greg says: Unfortunately, there’s not going to be much you can say that will ease your girlfriend’s concerns. However, there are two things you can try. First of all, try to find what exactly about your ex makes your current girlfriend feel threatened. Sometimes it’s more than just the fact that you two used to date. It could be for very simple (and oftentimes ridiculous) reasons. Maybe your girlfriend thinks your ex is prettier or is a better dresser. Whatever the reason, you have to remember that we all compare ourselves to others at some point in our lives. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies in those regards. Secondly, you need to try to reassure your girlfriend as much as you can that you and your ex are just friends and nothing more. Tell her that you two do not have feelings for each other beyond friendship, that your relationship is strictly platonic. Tell your girlfriend what she does that makes you happy and how she makes you feel. But more importantly, SHOW her. Words are worthless without the actions that back them up. You might even consider taking her out for a romantic dinner and discussing her feelings on the matter. It’s all about showing her how much she means to you. One last thing I would like to point out is that there has to be a level of trust on your girlfriend’s side. Even though you used to date this particular friend, your girlfriend has to trust that when you two hang out, nothing is going on. Personally, my best friend is a girl. I’m not currently in a relationship, but when I am, she will have to understand that I’m not going to leave my friend because she may feel uncomfortable about it. The bottom line is that you have to do what your heart tells you is right. I believe that with enough thought, you can think of just the right thing to say and do that will make your girlfriend feel secure. Allison says: As a girl, I can totally understand where she is coming from. How could she not be at least a little jealous? You dated the girl. You say you don’t have feelings for your ex, which is great, but does she still have feelings for you? If that’s the case, your relationship with her may be crossing the line into inappropriate. Have the three of you ever hung out? If that’s not something you could see happening, then obviously something’s going on here that’s not right. You should start by trying to establish a friendship between your girlfriend and your ex to prove to your girlfriend that there are no feelings between the two of you. But just to warn you, a girl can always pick up on these things if there are. Maybe you’ll be surprised, and things will work out. You never know. But if human nature takes over and the jealousy remains an issue, you might have to reduce contact with your ex if you want to keep your relationship with you girlfriend. It’s ok to see how she’s doing every once in awhile, but a close relationship with her will just end up ruining what you have now. Sometimes in life, you are just forced to choose. Want to send Greg & Allison a question? Send your question, along with your first name and age to HeSaidSheSaidUWM@gmail.com. Sun, 04 Nov 2007 21:18:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17612&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17612&mname=Article Shamanka, 20: "So I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We've known each other for two years. We used to kid around with each other and discuss politics, cars, movies, etc. We seemed to know what we wanted in our life. Now that we're in the middle of our relationship, it doesn't seem like we've drawn away from each other, but it's a gut feeling that we're getting annoyed of each other. I don't understand the feeling. I love him, yet I seem to get angry with him over the littlest things. My guy friends tell me that it's because we're getting serious with each other, that's why we're annoyed and nag about the smallest things. I know how he feels. I've known him long enough to understand what it's like to trust someone and love them for the smallest things in the world: how his skin smells and the way his smile spreads perfectly across his face. Yet, I still have this annoyance about him. Am I just going insane or just convincing myself that that initial feeling of love and comfort are gone, and I've replaced them with something else? Allison answers: It’s not that you’ve replaced comfort with something else, it’s that you’re more comfortable with him than you’ve ever been, probably with any guy. Even though comfortable is a nice, safe feeling, it also gets you past the initial dating stage where you are just in awe of everything that is great about your significant other. Now you notice every little annoying habit that the other has, and guess what? Everyone has them. With your comfort level comes the freedom to point this out to each other, and that inevitably turns into nagging. But what if you just ignored it next time and instead pictured his perfect smile that made you fall in love in the first place? Or just grab him and kiss him instead! Just know that if this is a guy who really cares for you, who you can have these great conversations with and be completely attracted to, which it sounds like he is, than you’ve really got something. I’ve seen couples go through the exact thing you are describing. Some get to the point where you don’t even want to hang out with them because nagging is all they know how to do anymore. Trust me, you don’t want to get to that point. What they are forgetting to do and what you have to try to do is this: Concentrate on the love, not the annoying habits. Greg answers: Love is never insane, my friend. Relationships are tough work. You’ll always have your ups and downs and will always be annoyed with him at times. What I’d like for you to do is take a couple seconds and think about friends and family in your life who are in successful relationships. While thinking of the couple, imagine yourself asking them if they’ve ever been annoyed with their significant other. What do you think they’ll say? More than likely, they’ll say yes. As unfortunate as this sounds, it’s human nature to focus on the negative qualities over the positive ones. Sure, maybe there are things he does that bother you, but what does he do that makes you smile? What does he do that makes you laugh with him, hug him, kiss him, and just want to be around him? It’s these things you need to focus on. One of the easiest things in the world is to point out the flaws in a person. But it takes true character to overlook those flaws and expose the real person underneath. When I was reading your question, I could feel your feelings for him. I really think you should sit down with him and discuss where you two stand. Say to him that there are things that he does that get on your nerves, and tell him that there are probably things you do that do the same to him. But remind him that even though you two may fight over small unimportant things, you still feel strongly for him and want to continue to make this work. So to answer your question, I don’t think you’re going insane at all. You’re 20-years-old, and it’s my guess that you probably haven’t had your heart this much on the line in the past. In matters of the heart, you really never know where you’ll end up. But know that even when everything may seem so wrong, you’ll always land in the right place. Good Luck! Sun, 28 Oct 2007 23:07:00 CST http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17599&mname=Article http://www.frontpagemilwaukee.com/site/Viewer.aspx?iid=17599&mname=Article